|
In my compositions presented here I try to recreate and reinvent
fragments in my own life and psyche as a young Israeli, growing
up in a "macho" society where feelings towards other
men are often "brotherly ", physical and warm but
seldom cross the dangerous line between a brotherly hug and
a hug of love and desire.
This dilemma is particularly strong in the military life where
the saying in Hebrew "Ani Ohev Otcha Achi" ("I
love you my brother") is a normal way of greeting.
All young Israelis at the age of 18 have to join the army
for three years. From your first day in the army your teenager
personality is subdued by your commanders and you become part
of a collective existence full of strong contradicting feelings:
fears, joys, hopes, emotional and physical strain, bondage
and freedom (from home and your parents), horror and beauty,
sadness and happiness and ... an over activity of all kinds
of hormones. You change overnight from a child to a man -
a man that has the right (and the duty sometimes) to love
and hate, live and die, make love and kill …
The thin line between homo-social and homo-erotic in army
life can be so confusing and torturous for a gay soldier.
Soldiers hug and kiss each other, say "I love you brother"
to each other, sleep together - sometimes lean on each others'
chests, sometimes share a tiny mattress, have communal showers
where they play "boy games" like throwing water
and soap on each other, sometimes share a hot shower, sometimes
masturbate together.
In 1988 when I was 18, I joined the army. In a series of
photos in this book I have tried to recreate the feeling of
loneliness that I suddenly felt, torn by confusing emotions
of "brotherly" love and sexual attraction to my
fellow soldiers, by fear mixed with beauty and fantasy.
Soldiers look manly, confident and beautiful. So are the
soldiers in my photos. But look at their eyes … they
reveal the real feelings. A body full of beauty, masculinity
and youth, when erupting with sexuality, can be misleading
- the eyes tell the full story - there is a deep loneliness,
a hidden forbidden passion, fear and confusion in these eyes.
|
