In the Eyes of a Soldier

Former Member of the Israeli Army Tells His Story through Photos

By Brent Brumley

“Soldiers look manly, confident and beautiful. So are the soldiers in my photos. But look at their eyes… they reveal the real feelings. A body full of beauty, masculinity and youth, when erupting with sexuality, can be misleading. The eyes tell the full story. There is a deep loneliness, a hidden forbidden passion, fear and confusion in these eyes. Can you see it?”

Thirty-two year old international photographer Kobi Israel has an intimate understanding of what is found in a soldier’s eyes. In his native country of Israel everyone at the age of 18 is required to join the army for three years. Kobi was no exception. His time in the Israeli military helped to form the man he is today. That man is openly gay, determined about his future and comfortable with his past. With the release of his new book of photography entitled Kobi Israel Views the handsome photographer reveals a unique perspective on a wide variety of subjects most intriguing of which may be life for a gay man in the Israeli military.

“The thin line between homo-social and homo-erotic in army life can be so confusing and torturous for a gay soldier. Soldiers hug and kiss each other, say “I love you, brother” to each other, sleep together—sometimes lean on each others’ chests, sometimes share a tiny mattress, have communal showers where they play “boy games” like throwing water and soap on each other, sometimes share a hot shower, sometimes masturbate together,” Kobi remembers of his time in the service.

In a series of photos in his new book Kobi says he has tried to recreate the feeling of loneliness he suddenly felt when he joined the army in 1988. He remembers feeling torn by confusing emotions of brotherly love and sexual attraction to his fellow soldiers and by fear mixed with beauty and fantasy.

“From your first day in the army, your teenager personality is subdued by your commanders and you become part of a collective existence full of strong contradicting feelings: fears, joys, hopes, emotional and physical strain, bondage and freedom (from home and your parents), horror and beauty, sadness and happiness and an over activity of all kinds of hormones. You change overnight from a child to a man—a man that has the right (and the duty sometimes) to love and hate, live and die, make love and kill.”

Kobi credits the eyes of another lonely soldier in his army camp with leading him to the discovery that he was not alone.

“Following the army experience and discovering myself, the fear and confusion still continued: fear from the first encounter with a man (answering an ad in the paper); fear of a passionate long night coming to an end; the conflict of having a relationship and living as a couple; the emptiness of waking up together after a night of extreme passion; the fantasy of casual encounters on the beach; the search for the hidden truth; the fragility behind the strength; the timeliness of beauty; the sadness of beauty, the endless fear behind the beauty.”

Kobi says these are all internal conflicts he tried to recreate in the series of photos. In some cases he even went back to the original location of his own experience and shot the photos there. He says he was trying to recreate and reinvent fragments in his own life and psyche.

“As a young Israeli growing up in a macho society, feelings towards other men are often brotherly, physical and warm but seldom cross the dangerous line between a brotherly hug and a hug of love and desire. This dilemma is particularly strong in the military life where the saying in Hebrew, ‘Ani Ohev Otcha Achi’ (“I love you, my brother”), is a normal way of greeting.”

Kobi was born in Bat Yam, Israel, a small town south of Tel Aviv. His mother was born in Israel and his father is from Egypt where at the age of six he immigrated to Israel with his family. Today his mother is a housewife and his father a truck driver working in the port of Ashdod. He has two sisters and one brother. As is most often the case in what seems to be a universal dilemma Kobi found coming out to his family challenging.

“Coming from a suburb town and living in a neighborhood where everyone knows everyone and everyone talks about everyone, and being raised in quite a traditional family, I was horrified they would discover I am gay. I was mostly afraid of hurting them, and particularly of disappointing my mother. I was living with a boyfriend since I finished my army service (at the age of 21). He was 12 years older than me. My parents and my sisters and brother knew him and liked him very much, but never asked me about our relationship. My oldest sister already knew, and asked me not to tell my mother as it would hurt her. Three years later, when I was 24, I told my youngest sister, but she couldn’t keep her mouth shut and told my mother. When I heard my mother already knows I decided to be brave and told her myself. I remember how embarrassed I was at this moment, as we were sitting in a quiet corner in a coffee shop, and I am trying to get myself to tell her, the waiter is ‘giving me the eye’ and asking for my phone number.”

He says coming out to his mother in Israel was made somewhat easier because in general it is a very tolerant and liberal society.

“Secular Israel, which I am part of and Tel Aviv in particular, is very open-minded and liberal, much more in fact, than many other Western societies including in some states in the US, and many European countries. Legally it is very advanced these days. There is no discrimination against gays in social rights or duties. Even if you are openly gay you do your army service, and any official anti-gay action will not be tolerated. In fact, I know a few army officers who are openly gay. A straight friend of mine who was trying to be clever to get out of his army service, went to the pre-service medical check-ups with make-up on and said he was gay with a high sexual drive for men. The doctor checking him answered, “So what? I am too.”

This attitude Kobi says is pervasive throughout the Israeli military.

“The army as a legal entity does not discriminate against gays, however being a very macho environment, it is not so easy to be in the closet and having to pretend while the other soldiers in your tent are talking about women. Still, if you are brave enough to be out, you may face of course jokes behind your back like in any other mixed environment. Being in or out is your own choice, inside and outside the army. In any case, in or out in your army barrack, you are bound to find out sooner or later that you are not the only one.”

Despite this comparatively understanding system, Kobi says he struggled with claiming his personal gay identity.

“I led a double life in the army. I had my own problems of identity—I wore uniform and came from a working-class background with macho values. I wanted to become an officer. I bought myself a gun and a heavy motorcycle to feel that I belong. Also, coming from this background I had typical streetwise manly mannerisms and looks, so it was easy to be part of the gang. At nights, when I was out of the barrack, I would go to gay meeting places, hoping that no-one I know will see me. I was seeing this guy at the time and it was a secret. I must emphasize that the issue was not leading a double life towards the others, but the internal conflict of identity search.”

After leaving the army, Kobi entered law school. After a short time he left law school to become a flight attendant for El Al airlines, a job he says literally opened up the world to him. After a long period as a flight attendant he says he discovered his desire to become an artist. Today he lives in London where he is working on the Gay Men Fighting AIDS 2003 campaign. His photography has been exhibited internationally in art shows all over Europe, in magazines on both sides of the globe and in his new book.

For more information on Kobi Israel visit his website at www.kobi-israel.com.

Posted April 17, 2003